I used to pride myself on being a "record keeper", a keeper of memories. I was a source of tons of old photos capturing many moments throughout my life, old keepsakes, family history, and memories I could write an entire book on. Heck, I even have memories from when I was a baby before I could walk and talk! Other people seemed to love this part about me, and I soaked in all the praise whenever they would mention what great memories I was giving them. They loved taking a peek at what they had forgotten or hadn't thought about in years.
Today I was watching some Eckhart Tolle videos on YouTube and I realized that perhaps being a self-proclaimed record keeper was not necessarily a great thing. For every good memory, there is a not so good memory. I don't know how many times I've looked at a picture and remembered a terrible night. Someone who made me angry. A date that didn't behave at a school dance. That I cried my eyes out before I took a smiling picture. The boy that I had a crush on who told me I was ugly. That I had low self confidence because I thought I was fat back then.
I used to crow about how I can remember everything. When people joked that I had the memory of an elephant, I agreed with them rather than take offense to their jabs. I could rattle off something that happened 30 years ago like it was just yesterday, then laugh because now I can't even remember why I walk into a room anymore. Lately I haven't been laughing as much, however. It's been bothering me that my present day memories have been absent, and I've been trying to do crosswords and play other games to try to make my mind sharp again. Could it be that I have let the past take up so much space in my head and physical world (in the form of things from the past) that this is the reason for my trouble with short term memory loss? Have I somehow created a world to where the past rules and the NOW has no importance? Oh my goodness.
Had I been consciously aware of what I have been doing all these years, I would have put a stop to it a long time ago. After much thought (see how I'm always thinking?), I realized that so much of what I remember of the past has been responsible for my decision making now. When an opportunity comes to me, I immediately think back to when I had failed many times before. When deciding to go further with many different types of relationships with people in my life, the first thing I do is think back on how I was treated by them previously instead of making a decision on how they are today (seriously....is anyone the same person they were 20 years ago? I think not.). When noticing the scale going up a little bit, I immediately drift back to fearful memories of losing weight before and then gaining it all back in the past. If I gave every example I have, it would take more time than I'm willing to spend explaining it all. Let's just say, upon deep introspection, nearly every facet of my life in this present moment is based upon what happened in the past and has created a world that repeats my past over and over again. No wonder I feel many days that I'm not satisfied with where I am in life. That is not true living. I've been living in the shadows of something that no longer exists. When put that way, it seems ridiculous to me that I've been doing it all along. No wonder I find it hard to move forward at times. The past keeps pulling me back because I willingly recreate it and allow it.
I have told clients and anyone else who will listen, "The only moment that is real is this very moment. The past is no longer tangible. The future is only a possibility of what may or may not happen depending on the choices we make in this present moment. Most of the time, what we fear to come has no real basis....until we create it because of our beliefs in it." I must have said that and something similar hundreds of times. I thought I understood fully what I was saying, but until today, I realized I didn't quite have perfect clarity on just exactly how important it was in my own life.
Eckhart Tolle was quoted as saying that he never thinks about the past. What would that be like? What about all the things along the journey that makes me ME now? Should those things be forgotten? Aren't they to be remembered so I will always know where I came from? The answer became clear: all the things from the past are not important to who I am today. What I am in this very moment is all that matters. And when based on this very moment, I suddenly had the clarity that I have no label. I just AM. Wow. To have no labels...well, to me that is just awesome! That means I can do whatever I want and be whatever I want in the moment because I would no longer subject myself to a role. Let me tell you, there are roles I've been frustrated with and unhappy with for a while now. If I didn't look to the past to redefine those roles, however, I would just simply be ME. And there lies the secret to my motto of "moving forward fearlessly". When I no longer step back into the past on my own, the universe suddenly opens wide because I will be joining all that is happening, alive, and real in this moment! To not think of the future, well that already feels so freeing! To have freedom from fear, self-doubt, and all the other emotions that my past has attached to my future.
I know it will take time to get out of a habit that had become my life for the last nearly 41 years, but I am already celebrating the miracle of this epiphany...in this present moment.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
19 Sep 11: The Light is Always Coming Through, Tools and Lessons Through Maturity, and Celebrating the Beginning of the End (Meditation)
As I closed my eyes to begin the meditation, I was met by blackness. It was so dark that I could not see my hand in front of my face. Usually I wait to see what will appear or what I will hear, but for some reason, I felt guided to tilt my head and look upward. Within a few seconds, I noticed there were faint traces of light trying to shine down from above. This blackness was thick, however, and I thought that it was going to be futile for the light to try to reach me. I wondered where I was because I felt strangely contained as if I were in a narrow pit deep down in the Earth. Then I noticed the light began to trickle like water all the way down to me in various spots. No matter how much the blackness tried to block it out, the water-like light slid down effortlessly.
As the trickles became so numerous that they where everywhere, I began to see walls surrounding me. I called out to whoever was listening and asked where I was and why? My view was pulled back and I was shown myself. Huh? I then realized that I had been within myself, but not in an enlightened way. I was self-imprisoning myself. The blackness was a creation of mine and I was creating blocks against the light through fears, doubts, low self-confidence, anger, and all the other emotions of the ego that kept me in a self made prison and away from my true light. As I was shown, however, no matter how much we try to block out the light whether consciously, subconsciously, or unconsciously, we never can truly stop what is always available and flowing to us. It will always reach us in the end.
Speaking of my inner true light...where was it? I was suddenly taken deeper within. Through more blackness, I could see a very faint glow in front of me. I stuck my hands out and felt a gauzy material. I began to pull at the black material peeling back layers and layers of it until I reached a brilliant core of light. Wow! How many layers had I been constructing around it and for how long? Just as I assume I had put up those layers, I had the power to take them down. I was so glad I did because my inner light was too amazing to put into words. I was told that I still wasn't truly seeing my inner light properly. In my mind, it was a core tube. This light, however, can never be contained nor extinguished. The light is within me, outside of me, and beyond me. I was told that the only way I will fully ever understand it is when I transition from death to the afterlife. I will see when I no longer am of the body in my mind, I will see this inner core of mine unleashed without boundaries, and I will understand how I AM the light. What will seem like myself absorbing back into the light will actually be simply revealing true form....which is no form.
The next vision to come to me was of a matador. He looked at me and my first thought was, "Seriously? A bull fight?" He smirked at me as he heard my thought and he began to twirl his red cape around while moving around in a dance. As his feet moved in a graceful way, keeping a careful eye on which direction he flowed the cape, he told me a story of how it was when he was a young, inexperienced matador apprentice. He told me it was horrible. He was hurt in ways that he would not wish upon anyone. He had been stomped on. Bitten. Bruised. He pointed to a spot around the left side of his abdomen and said he was actually gored there. That hurt the worst, he said. It made him want to quit his dreams of being a matador and he was terrified to get back into the ring with a bull.
I asked him why he didn't quit? He smiled (still watching his cape and moving his feet expertly) and said, "I learned. I learned how to be quicker. How to move my feet in ways that I would not trip and can outmaneuver the bull. I learned to trust in myself. And I practiced and practiced and practiced, improving every day."
He asked me if I knew where he was going with all this? He explained that he was inexperienced to the experience. He didn't know any better in the beginning. Every experience that comes to anyone is going to be the same. We're not always going to know how to act, react, or have all the tools we need which may only come with time and wisdom as we learn. Then he told me, "Do not blame yourself or others for things that happened long ago. You were still maturing and learning what works for you and what doesn't work, just as the others were learning."
Suddenly a beautiful flamenco dancer appeared and she approached the matador. I saw his gaze soften and he looked at her with such love. In the next instance, I saw him go through the emotions of jealousy, anger, and then sorrow when she left because he had forgotten the emotion of love and put the other emotions in front. This was a summary of their relationship. Then I watched as he soaked in what he had learned, and when he entered a new relationship, he remember this time to make sure that love stood above all else.
The last scene to appear to me was of a beautiful countryside that was lush and green, but seemed to be entering the stages of autumn. I began to hear Enya's "China Roses" and the scene filled me with such peace. I watched as three young girls in long gowns came running from between a row of trees. They each wore a wreath of flowers on top of their blond hair and they were laughing. Their parents were coming a lot slower behind them, smiling and excited. I was told they were meeting the rest of their village in a large field to celebrate the start of autumn. I realized this was back in medieval times when I saw the tents, food, heavy smoke rising from fires, etc. It was a time of family and community while celebrating the changing of the seasons.
I was told to celebrate our personal changing of the seasons, which are the beginnings of the end of the cycles. Then I heard, "When you feel the beginning of the end, do not be scared or feel sorrow. Celebrate and spend time with those you care about. Look forward to the winter of your life not with fear or anxiety, but rather as the resting period before new life begins."
As the trickles became so numerous that they where everywhere, I began to see walls surrounding me. I called out to whoever was listening and asked where I was and why? My view was pulled back and I was shown myself. Huh? I then realized that I had been within myself, but not in an enlightened way. I was self-imprisoning myself. The blackness was a creation of mine and I was creating blocks against the light through fears, doubts, low self-confidence, anger, and all the other emotions of the ego that kept me in a self made prison and away from my true light. As I was shown, however, no matter how much we try to block out the light whether consciously, subconsciously, or unconsciously, we never can truly stop what is always available and flowing to us. It will always reach us in the end.
Speaking of my inner true light...where was it? I was suddenly taken deeper within. Through more blackness, I could see a very faint glow in front of me. I stuck my hands out and felt a gauzy material. I began to pull at the black material peeling back layers and layers of it until I reached a brilliant core of light. Wow! How many layers had I been constructing around it and for how long? Just as I assume I had put up those layers, I had the power to take them down. I was so glad I did because my inner light was too amazing to put into words. I was told that I still wasn't truly seeing my inner light properly. In my mind, it was a core tube. This light, however, can never be contained nor extinguished. The light is within me, outside of me, and beyond me. I was told that the only way I will fully ever understand it is when I transition from death to the afterlife. I will see when I no longer am of the body in my mind, I will see this inner core of mine unleashed without boundaries, and I will understand how I AM the light. What will seem like myself absorbing back into the light will actually be simply revealing true form....which is no form.
The next vision to come to me was of a matador. He looked at me and my first thought was, "Seriously? A bull fight?" He smirked at me as he heard my thought and he began to twirl his red cape around while moving around in a dance. As his feet moved in a graceful way, keeping a careful eye on which direction he flowed the cape, he told me a story of how it was when he was a young, inexperienced matador apprentice. He told me it was horrible. He was hurt in ways that he would not wish upon anyone. He had been stomped on. Bitten. Bruised. He pointed to a spot around the left side of his abdomen and said he was actually gored there. That hurt the worst, he said. It made him want to quit his dreams of being a matador and he was terrified to get back into the ring with a bull.
I asked him why he didn't quit? He smiled (still watching his cape and moving his feet expertly) and said, "I learned. I learned how to be quicker. How to move my feet in ways that I would not trip and can outmaneuver the bull. I learned to trust in myself. And I practiced and practiced and practiced, improving every day."
He asked me if I knew where he was going with all this? He explained that he was inexperienced to the experience. He didn't know any better in the beginning. Every experience that comes to anyone is going to be the same. We're not always going to know how to act, react, or have all the tools we need which may only come with time and wisdom as we learn. Then he told me, "Do not blame yourself or others for things that happened long ago. You were still maturing and learning what works for you and what doesn't work, just as the others were learning."
Suddenly a beautiful flamenco dancer appeared and she approached the matador. I saw his gaze soften and he looked at her with such love. In the next instance, I saw him go through the emotions of jealousy, anger, and then sorrow when she left because he had forgotten the emotion of love and put the other emotions in front. This was a summary of their relationship. Then I watched as he soaked in what he had learned, and when he entered a new relationship, he remember this time to make sure that love stood above all else.
The last scene to appear to me was of a beautiful countryside that was lush and green, but seemed to be entering the stages of autumn. I began to hear Enya's "China Roses" and the scene filled me with such peace. I watched as three young girls in long gowns came running from between a row of trees. They each wore a wreath of flowers on top of their blond hair and they were laughing. Their parents were coming a lot slower behind them, smiling and excited. I was told they were meeting the rest of their village in a large field to celebrate the start of autumn. I realized this was back in medieval times when I saw the tents, food, heavy smoke rising from fires, etc. It was a time of family and community while celebrating the changing of the seasons.
I was told to celebrate our personal changing of the seasons, which are the beginnings of the end of the cycles. Then I heard, "When you feel the beginning of the end, do not be scared or feel sorrow. Celebrate and spend time with those you care about. Look forward to the winter of your life not with fear or anxiety, but rather as the resting period before new life begins."
Monday, September 12, 2011
A Lesson in Affirmations: What Doesn't Come Naturally Requires Practice, Practice, Practice!
Don't beat yourself up should you have doubts about things and find yourself thinking negatively. Having faith that all will be and is already well does not come naturally to everyone, especially if you have been raised to worry and be "realistic", or what has become your perspective/perception due to life's experiences. So what can you do to change that?
First, have patience with yourself. With pressure and expectations coming from everywhere else outside of yourself (friends, family, bosses, clients, neighbors, etc.), you need to be your own best friend. Take the stress off yourself and realize that there is no need to be perfect, nor are you on a time frame...even if outer appearances say otherwise. It's an ugly thing to feel the pressure of responsibilities and the worry that you won't be able to meet them. Since you don't have a solution right now anyway, however, taking steps to that feeling of faith isn't going to make you anymore stuck. What would you tell a stressed out, worried friend of yours? To breathe? Relax? Do something nice for his or herself? That's exactly what you should be telling yourself and how you can be the best friend you've ever had.
Next, every day tell yourself that the situation is well in hand. You can use any affirmation you want. One of my favorites is "Every day just gets better and better!" You can also say something along the lines of "All is well", "Everything is already working out beautifully for everyone involved", "All my needs are provided for", etc.
Now here's the nitty gritty. When you first start off, you're not going to believe a single word that is coming out of your mouth or silently said to yourself. What most of us tend to do is go through the motions, say all the right words, and then in the back of our minds our deep seated beliefs are telling us:
Yeah right!
That's all good in theory, but it doesn't take away the fact that my electric bill is 2 months past due!
I need a miracle NOW!
Positive things happen to other people...not people like me.
Life sucks.
This affirmation stuff is stupid because none of it ever comes true for me.
It's hopeless.
I've been stuck for 20 years. Nothing is ever going to change that.
Why is it so hard for me when things seem to happen easier for others?
I'm useless.
I can never be truly happy. Life has shown me that.
And so on and so on and so on. Or you may think you truly feel an affirmation you're saying, but the minute a curveball is thrown at you, those less than positive thoughts and emotions immediately flood in with more intensity than ever. The ego does a pretty good job of keeping you checked into "reality", eh?
The ego, however, can be overruled and drowned out over time when you draw your awareness down to your heart area. With daily practice, you can get those more positive affirming words to move from your head to your heart where you will begin to actually FEEL them. With time and practice you will actually begin to BELIEVE them. And with time and practice you will arrive to a point of EXPECTING them without doubt.
Hard to imagine? You do it every day! So many people, however, do it in the opposite direction of where they'd truly like to be. Think of how many negative experiences you have gone through. You felt them. You believed them. And you expected them. You're overweight. You don't make enough money. You didn't go to college so you'll never have a real career. Your neighbor hates you. People think you're stuck up. You're not going to find a parking spot up close to the mall. People are rude to you. You're not trusting of others. As a result, life continues to show you every day that you're absolutely right! Why? Because that's what you believe and expect.
When it comes to affirming the positive, it's the same thing! It's possible! You really can do or have what your heart desires! Be open to how these things come to you. Just as your belief in that people are mean to you comes true through seemingly random people and experiences, so can what becomes your positive beliefs come to you through seemingly random people and experiences. Just because things don't happen exactly the way you thought they should, you can get to a point where you will expect them to come through to you in a way that works out the best! When you give your expectations to the Universe (taking the pressure off yourself), the Universe will provide in ways that you may not have thought of.....you know, since we can be very limited in what we can imagine for ourselves. Feel. Believe. Expect. Oh. And I forgot to mention: ALLOW. When it comes to you, don't turn it away because it's not how you thought it would come to you or you suddenly become scared because it might take you out of your comfort zone (which is really "ego zone").
Don't pass up the opportunity provided because you suddenly do not want to do the physical work it requires, unless of course you decide it's something you no longer want. How many of us have been presented with an opportunity, only to suddenly become scared and push it away? Suddenly ego rears its head again and tells us we're not qualified, there's no way we can do that, we don't have the resources to see it through, etc. Again, be patient with yourself. After all, you have an entire lifetime of deep seated beliefs and fears to work through. I constantly work through this myself! Just start again with breathing, telling yourself you CAN do or have something, and practicing daily until it becomes a part of you.
I have seen this in my own life and when you truly believe and expect things in the direction that makes your heart sing, every day will seem to hold a miracle for you no matter how tiny it seems. The first time I began affirming to the point of feeling, belief, expecting, and allowing, it took about 5 months before I started seeing results in my life, and well over 8 months before things just worked out beautifully in the most miraculous and unexpected ways. Before you groan over how long that seems, what else have you got to do in the meantime? Would you rather start working on expecting the best for yourself, or would you like to continue on your current path of expecting the worst? It's all the same amount of energy. How long it will take for you depends on how set you are in your current life perspective, how consistent you are in practicing until it effortlessly becomes a way of life (just as the more negative experiences have been a way of life without any effort), and how open you truly are to allowing. For some, a more enlightened era could come within the first week! For those who are more stubborn and need to work through deep inner core issues, it may take longer. It's not a contest or a race, though. You move at your own pace and when you're ready, you'll get there just the same as everyone else.
We all have our down moments, periods of laziness, and temporary amnesia when it comes to all the life tools we've been acquiring, but the trick is whether you keep yourself down, or you let yourself out of the self-sabotaging prison cell and see what you're made of! It's an adventure to be sure and you get to decide how your story will end. Much love to you all whatever you life journey may be!
First, have patience with yourself. With pressure and expectations coming from everywhere else outside of yourself (friends, family, bosses, clients, neighbors, etc.), you need to be your own best friend. Take the stress off yourself and realize that there is no need to be perfect, nor are you on a time frame...even if outer appearances say otherwise. It's an ugly thing to feel the pressure of responsibilities and the worry that you won't be able to meet them. Since you don't have a solution right now anyway, however, taking steps to that feeling of faith isn't going to make you anymore stuck. What would you tell a stressed out, worried friend of yours? To breathe? Relax? Do something nice for his or herself? That's exactly what you should be telling yourself and how you can be the best friend you've ever had.
Next, every day tell yourself that the situation is well in hand. You can use any affirmation you want. One of my favorites is "Every day just gets better and better!" You can also say something along the lines of "All is well", "Everything is already working out beautifully for everyone involved", "All my needs are provided for", etc.
Now here's the nitty gritty. When you first start off, you're not going to believe a single word that is coming out of your mouth or silently said to yourself. What most of us tend to do is go through the motions, say all the right words, and then in the back of our minds our deep seated beliefs are telling us:
Yeah right!
That's all good in theory, but it doesn't take away the fact that my electric bill is 2 months past due!
I need a miracle NOW!
Positive things happen to other people...not people like me.
Life sucks.
This affirmation stuff is stupid because none of it ever comes true for me.
It's hopeless.
I've been stuck for 20 years. Nothing is ever going to change that.
Why is it so hard for me when things seem to happen easier for others?
I'm useless.
I can never be truly happy. Life has shown me that.
And so on and so on and so on. Or you may think you truly feel an affirmation you're saying, but the minute a curveball is thrown at you, those less than positive thoughts and emotions immediately flood in with more intensity than ever. The ego does a pretty good job of keeping you checked into "reality", eh?
The ego, however, can be overruled and drowned out over time when you draw your awareness down to your heart area. With daily practice, you can get those more positive affirming words to move from your head to your heart where you will begin to actually FEEL them. With time and practice you will actually begin to BELIEVE them. And with time and practice you will arrive to a point of EXPECTING them without doubt.
Hard to imagine? You do it every day! So many people, however, do it in the opposite direction of where they'd truly like to be. Think of how many negative experiences you have gone through. You felt them. You believed them. And you expected them. You're overweight. You don't make enough money. You didn't go to college so you'll never have a real career. Your neighbor hates you. People think you're stuck up. You're not going to find a parking spot up close to the mall. People are rude to you. You're not trusting of others. As a result, life continues to show you every day that you're absolutely right! Why? Because that's what you believe and expect.
When it comes to affirming the positive, it's the same thing! It's possible! You really can do or have what your heart desires! Be open to how these things come to you. Just as your belief in that people are mean to you comes true through seemingly random people and experiences, so can what becomes your positive beliefs come to you through seemingly random people and experiences. Just because things don't happen exactly the way you thought they should, you can get to a point where you will expect them to come through to you in a way that works out the best! When you give your expectations to the Universe (taking the pressure off yourself), the Universe will provide in ways that you may not have thought of.....you know, since we can be very limited in what we can imagine for ourselves. Feel. Believe. Expect. Oh. And I forgot to mention: ALLOW. When it comes to you, don't turn it away because it's not how you thought it would come to you or you suddenly become scared because it might take you out of your comfort zone (which is really "ego zone").
Don't pass up the opportunity provided because you suddenly do not want to do the physical work it requires, unless of course you decide it's something you no longer want. How many of us have been presented with an opportunity, only to suddenly become scared and push it away? Suddenly ego rears its head again and tells us we're not qualified, there's no way we can do that, we don't have the resources to see it through, etc. Again, be patient with yourself. After all, you have an entire lifetime of deep seated beliefs and fears to work through. I constantly work through this myself! Just start again with breathing, telling yourself you CAN do or have something, and practicing daily until it becomes a part of you.
I have seen this in my own life and when you truly believe and expect things in the direction that makes your heart sing, every day will seem to hold a miracle for you no matter how tiny it seems. The first time I began affirming to the point of feeling, belief, expecting, and allowing, it took about 5 months before I started seeing results in my life, and well over 8 months before things just worked out beautifully in the most miraculous and unexpected ways. Before you groan over how long that seems, what else have you got to do in the meantime? Would you rather start working on expecting the best for yourself, or would you like to continue on your current path of expecting the worst? It's all the same amount of energy. How long it will take for you depends on how set you are in your current life perspective, how consistent you are in practicing until it effortlessly becomes a way of life (just as the more negative experiences have been a way of life without any effort), and how open you truly are to allowing. For some, a more enlightened era could come within the first week! For those who are more stubborn and need to work through deep inner core issues, it may take longer. It's not a contest or a race, though. You move at your own pace and when you're ready, you'll get there just the same as everyone else.
We all have our down moments, periods of laziness, and temporary amnesia when it comes to all the life tools we've been acquiring, but the trick is whether you keep yourself down, or you let yourself out of the self-sabotaging prison cell and see what you're made of! It's an adventure to be sure and you get to decide how your story will end. Much love to you all whatever you life journey may be!
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