As I closed my eyes to begin the meditation, I was met by blackness. It was so dark that I could not see my hand in front of my face. Usually I wait to see what will appear or what I will hear, but for some reason, I felt guided to tilt my head and look upward. Within a few seconds, I noticed there were faint traces of light trying to shine down from above. This blackness was thick, however, and I thought that it was going to be futile for the light to try to reach me. I wondered where I was because I felt strangely contained as if I were in a narrow pit deep down in the Earth. Then I noticed the light began to trickle like water all the way down to me in various spots. No matter how much the blackness tried to block it out, the water-like light slid down effortlessly.
As the trickles became so numerous that they where everywhere, I began to see walls surrounding me. I called out to whoever was listening and asked where I was and why? My view was pulled back and I was shown myself. Huh? I then realized that I had been within myself, but not in an enlightened way. I was self-imprisoning myself. The blackness was a creation of mine and I was creating blocks against the light through fears, doubts, low self-confidence, anger, and all the other emotions of the ego that kept me in a self made prison and away from my true light. As I was shown, however, no matter how much we try to block out the light whether consciously, subconsciously, or unconsciously, we never can truly stop what is always available and flowing to us. It will always reach us in the end.
Speaking of my inner true light...where was it? I was suddenly taken deeper within. Through more blackness, I could see a very faint glow in front of me. I stuck my hands out and felt a gauzy material. I began to pull at the black material peeling back layers and layers of it until I reached a brilliant core of light. Wow! How many layers had I been constructing around it and for how long? Just as I assume I had put up those layers, I had the power to take them down. I was so glad I did because my inner light was too amazing to put into words. I was told that I still wasn't truly seeing my inner light properly. In my mind, it was a core tube. This light, however, can never be contained nor extinguished. The light is within me, outside of me, and beyond me. I was told that the only way I will fully ever understand it is when I transition from death to the afterlife. I will see when I no longer am of the body in my mind, I will see this inner core of mine unleashed without boundaries, and I will understand how I AM the light. What will seem like myself absorbing back into the light will actually be simply revealing true form....which is no form.
The next vision to come to me was of a matador. He looked at me and my first thought was, "Seriously? A bull fight?" He smirked at me as he heard my thought and he began to twirl his red cape around while moving around in a dance. As his feet moved in a graceful way, keeping a careful eye on which direction he flowed the cape, he told me a story of how it was when he was a young, inexperienced matador apprentice. He told me it was horrible. He was hurt in ways that he would not wish upon anyone. He had been stomped on. Bitten. Bruised. He pointed to a spot around the left side of his abdomen and said he was actually gored there. That hurt the worst, he said. It made him want to quit his dreams of being a matador and he was terrified to get back into the ring with a bull.
I asked him why he didn't quit? He smiled (still watching his cape and moving his feet expertly) and said, "I learned. I learned how to be quicker. How to move my feet in ways that I would not trip and can outmaneuver the bull. I learned to trust in myself. And I practiced and practiced and practiced, improving every day."
He asked me if I knew where he was going with all this? He explained that he was inexperienced to the experience. He didn't know any better in the beginning. Every experience that comes to anyone is going to be the same. We're not always going to know how to act, react, or have all the tools we need which may only come with time and wisdom as we learn. Then he told me, "Do not blame yourself or others for things that happened long ago. You were still maturing and learning what works for you and what doesn't work, just as the others were learning."
Suddenly a beautiful flamenco dancer appeared and she approached the matador. I saw his gaze soften and he looked at her with such love. In the next instance, I saw him go through the emotions of jealousy, anger, and then sorrow when she left because he had forgotten the emotion of love and put the other emotions in front. This was a summary of their relationship. Then I watched as he soaked in what he had learned, and when he entered a new relationship, he remember this time to make sure that love stood above all else.
The last scene to appear to me was of a beautiful countryside that was lush and green, but seemed to be entering the stages of autumn. I began to hear Enya's "China Roses" and the scene filled me with such peace. I watched as three young girls in long gowns came running from between a row of trees. They each wore a wreath of flowers on top of their blond hair and they were laughing. Their parents were coming a lot slower behind them, smiling and excited. I was told they were meeting the rest of their village in a large field to celebrate the start of autumn. I realized this was back in medieval times when I saw the tents, food, heavy smoke rising from fires, etc. It was a time of family and community while celebrating the changing of the seasons.
I was told to celebrate our personal changing of the seasons, which are the beginnings of the end of the cycles. Then I heard, "When you feel the beginning of the end, do not be scared or feel sorrow. Celebrate and spend time with those you care about. Look forward to the winter of your life not with fear or anxiety, but rather as the resting period before new life begins."
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