Leaving the Past Where it Belongs

I used to pride myself on being a "record keeper", a keeper of memories.  I was a source of tons of old photos capturing many moments throughout my life, old keepsakes, family history, and memories I could write an entire book on.  Heck, I even have memories from when I was a baby before I could walk and talk!  Other people seemed to love this part about me, and I soaked in all the praise whenever they would mention what great memories I was giving them.  They loved taking a peek at what they had forgotten or hadn't thought about in years.

Today I was watching some Eckhart Tolle videos on YouTube and I realized that perhaps being a self-proclaimed record keeper was not necessarily a great thing.  For every good memory, there is a not so good memory.  I don't know how many times I've looked at a picture and remembered a terrible night.  Someone who made me angry.  A date that didn't behave at a school dance.  That I cried my eyes out before I took a smiling picture.  The boy that I had a crush on who told me I was ugly.  That I had low self confidence because I thought I was fat back then.

I used to crow about how I can remember everything.  When people joked that I had the memory of an elephant, I agreed with them rather than take offense to their jabs.  I could rattle off something that happened 30 years ago like it was just yesterday, then laugh because now I can't even remember why I walk into a room anymore.  Lately I haven't been laughing as much, however.  It's been bothering me that my present day memories have been absent, and I've been trying to do crosswords and play other games to try to make my mind sharp again.  Could it be that I have let the past take up so much space in my head and physical world (in the form of things from the past) that this is the reason for my trouble with short term memory loss?  Have I somehow created a world to where the past rules and the NOW has no importance?  Oh my goodness.

Had I been consciously aware of what I have been doing all these years, I would have put a stop to it a long time ago.  After much thought (see how I'm always thinking?), I realized that so much of what I remember of the past has been responsible for my decision making now.  When an opportunity comes to me, I immediately think back to when I had failed many times before.  When deciding to go further with many different types of relationships with people in my life, the first thing I do is think back on how I was treated by them previously instead of making a decision on how they are today (seriously....is anyone the same person they were 20 years ago?  I think not.).  When noticing the scale going up a little bit, I immediately drift back to fearful memories of losing weight before and then gaining it all back in the past.  If I gave every example I have, it would take more time than I'm willing to spend explaining it all.  Let's just say, upon deep introspection, nearly every facet of my life in this present moment is based upon what happened in the past and has created a world that repeats my past over and over again.  No wonder I feel many days that I'm not satisfied with where I am in life.  That is not true living.  I've been living in the shadows of something that no longer exists.  When put that way, it seems ridiculous to me that I've been doing it all along.  No wonder I find it hard to move forward at times.  The past keeps pulling me back because I willingly recreate it and allow it.

I have told clients and anyone else who will listen, "The only moment that is real is this very moment.  The past is no longer tangible.  The future is only a possibility of what may or may not happen depending on the choices we make in this present moment.  Most of the time, what we fear to come has no real basis....until we create it because of our beliefs in it."  I must have said that and something similar hundreds of times.  I thought I understood fully what I was saying, but until today, I realized I didn't quite have perfect clarity on just exactly how important it was in my own life.

Eckhart Tolle was quoted as saying that he never thinks about the past.  What would that be like?  What about all the things along the journey that makes me ME now?  Should those things be forgotten?  Aren't they to be remembered so I will always know where I came from?  The answer became clear:  all the things from the past are not important to who I am today.  What I am in this very moment is all that matters.  And when based on this very moment, I suddenly had the clarity that I have no label.  I just AM.  Wow.  To have no labels...well, to me that is just awesome!  That means I can do whatever I want and be whatever I want in the moment because I would no longer subject myself to a role.  Let me tell you, there are roles I've been frustrated with and unhappy with for a while now.  If I didn't look to the past to redefine those roles, however, I would just simply be ME.  And there lies the secret to my motto of "moving forward fearlessly".  When I no longer step back into the past on my own, the universe suddenly opens wide because I will be joining all that is happening, alive, and real in this moment!  To not think of the future, well that already feels so freeing!  To have freedom from fear, self-doubt, and all the other emotions that my past has attached to my future.

I know it will take time to get out of a habit that had become my life for the last nearly 41 years, but I am already celebrating the miracle of this epiphany...in this present moment.