Affirming the Truth, Rather Than Affirming the Ego

As I lean on the love and support of the Universe, I know that in this world, there are people who come to me at the right time in the most perfect way.

This is an affirmation I created for myself this morning, after I had stopped my previous chain of thoughts. 

I've been mulling on the subject for the last handful of days about how alone I feel at times.  I felt that I'm always there for other people, but there are times when I could definitely use a hug, an opportunity to talk about my deepest feelings, or a kind word of encouragement.  Many people do not recognize it or do not take it seriously because they are not used these sorts of needs coming from me.  They are used to me being in the role of the listener and adviser (if they ask for my thoughts), and that is what I have accepted and allowed.  That's of my own making, and I realized that.  When someone always puts up a persona of being strong and rarely asking for anything, you can't blame others for not reacting to a need that feels very foreign to what they are used to seeing and goes against the unspoken accepted agreement of the relationship between each individual. 

So here I was thinking about the Eeyore day I had recently and I found myself going over and over again about how this is why I don't like depending on others because no one is ever there for me and I just wind up disappointed, even though I know no one can read my thoughts and I need to voice myself (which leads to vulnerability at the thought that others will joke at my expense when all I want to do is hang my head low and withdraw).  The only thing I can count on is support from the Universe, is what I told myself. 

Oh yeah...I go through the same caca thoughts as anyone else even with a billion tools and epiphanies under my belt that I can use at any time to rise above earthly drama and issues.  Why do you think I share the things I do, even if I leave myself open to criticism at times for keeping it real?  It's not all from quiet meditation and passing on channeled information.  It comes from living life and discovering as I go along, as well as the guidance.  That's why I smirk at times when I get pounced on by those waiting for me to slip up and have a human moment because they can point out my imperfections.  I've never claimed to be perfect or enlightened to the point of rising above all things Earthly.  Who better to teach than someone who has actually been there and has fallen down many times, and will still continue to learn as she goes?  

Then WHAM!  It hit me that my ego was on the loose and that all those negative thoughts were VERY untrue.  I remembered the times when I had no expectations of anyone or anything while being down or sad, and miraculously, someone would send me something or call me to let me know they were thinking of me.  How could I forget the night I was up at 3 in the morning feeling hopeless and crying, and suddenly got an e-mail from a friend who was on Border Patrol duty and had this sudden urge to forward me a very uplifting message he had received with the exact words I needed at that exact moment without knowing?   How could I dismiss the other times another friend would send me videos that contained the most perfect messages for what I was going through that I had not talked to anyone about?  How could I not see all the times I had friends and clients open up to me about things they were going through that matched my own issues exactly, showing me that I'm not alone in my experiences?  The times when no one knew I was sad, and suddenly I would get a message from a friend saying, "I love you, Chris!"  And what about the times when I did voice myself that my husband was right there to listen and give a hug no matter what I said?  Or the people who have entered my life at just the right times?  That ego can get quite ugly, but the truth is, I'm very blessed even when my ego says I'm not.

The one experience that will always stick in my head was when I was living in South Carolina.  I met this woman named Angie at the park behind my house.  The minute she walked up to me and said, "Hi!  My name is Angie and I sell Mary Kay if you ever need anything," I cringed.  There were a couple of other Mary Kay sellers in the neighborhood who were only friendly to me to try to make a sale.  I knew the minute I told her I was an Avon representative, she would probably never greet me again...just like the others.  To my surprise, she told me that was cool and started talking to me about my kids. 

I found that I really liked her!  I was so alone it wasn't even funny.  Once again, I found myself being a single parent due to tons of crazy military shifts, TDYs, and deployments.  I was also thrown into the midst of the bible belt where the first question out of everyone's mouth was "what church do you go to?" and then being shunned and judged when to find out that I didn't go to church.  All I had were my three babies and I was overwhelmed and depressed.  Angie was like a breath of fresh air.  She knew nothing of what I was going through, and didn't even know that I did not trust other dependent wives after how badly I was treated by them when I was active duty military.  To me, most women were too catty and I never felt like I fit in.  I preferred male friends.  In my adult life, female friends came only after I finally felt I could trust them.  Angie, oblivious to this all, simply wanted to be my friend because of ME and not what she could get from me.

There came a day when one of her kids (her only son among daughters) got into my backyard and was acting up whipping a set of horse reins at my kids (Angie was a competitive equestrian before moving to South Carolina).  As I marched him back over to his own house across the park, I was so sad.  I told myself that this was going to be the end of my friendship because parents are funny.  They don't like to be told their kids have done something wrong and tend to get defensive.  To my surprise once again, Angie made her son apologize, told him to go sit in his room, and told me, "Don't worry about anything.  I know he can be a little shit and I apologize for that."  I went back home scratching my head wondering how on Earth this person came into my life?  Where the heck did she come from?  Other women hated her because they judged her for her carefreeness and marching to the beat of her own drum.  I loved her for it!

She was my saving grace.  And she never knew it...or maybe she did on some level.  But somehow, she always knew exactly what to say and what to do.  As my husband's deployment dragged on and I was doing my best to fight my depression while raising a baby who was only a couple of months old, a baby who was not even 2 yet, and a 3 year old...having Angie's friendship was a God send.  I never had to worry about how anything I said and did would affect our friendship.  Even during the times I was frazzled and didn't have time to talk, she didn't mind.  She would simply walk into my house, and start helping out.  There were nights when we would just watch movies in my living room in silence and it was perfect. 

Then during one particular private rough patch for me, I heard my doorbell rang.  I dragged myself to the door.  Angie was standing outside with a big basket in her hands full of items.  She walked in and said, "There comes a time when every mom needs to know that they matter too.  Don't think I spent a lot on this, because I didn't.  But I hope these things will make you feel better."

I was stunned.  I hadn't said anything to her because I didn't think people ever wanted to hear about my issues, but she knew anyway.  Inside the basket were chocolates, other snacks, bubble bath packets, candles, a cassette tape containing a single song of Rodgers and Hammerstein's "Some Enchanted Evening" (there was NO possible way that she could have known that not only was that one of my favorite songs, but I grew up singing it all the time), little jars of bath salts, a card, a laminated poem with uplifting words, and some creams.  I burst out crying.  She gave me a hug and told me to enjoy it.

And within a few weeks, she was gone.  Her husband got orders to New Mexico.  The day she came over to say good-bye, I cried hard and she did too.  The minute she walked away to go back to her house to leave with her family, for a split second I felt that life was so unfair.  We had only been friends for a few months and now I was going to be alone again.  But then I realized that even though she was only in my life for such a short time, she was exactly what I needed at the most perfect time.  We kept in touch for a while, and then we both got busy and had more moves around the world.  I do not feel sad for the loss of contact because I knew that her purpose had been served and I am eternally grateful for it.  She was a bright spot in my life and was the Universe's gift to me when I needed one the most.

So going back to this morning: what to do about the negative messages in my head?  I realized that the more I replayed that skipping record in my mind, the more I was just affirming what I DON'T want...bringing about even more times and situations that would prove my ego correct.  Hmmmmmmmm...then it hit me that the first part of my continuous "affirmation" to myself was sort of right, but that I would have to change the wording. 

I looked at what was looped in the cycle:  I can only depend on the Universe for my needs and support.

Okay, yes the Universe is my love and support system, but I as I had come to realize, it's not my ONLY source.  The Universe has already shown me that it sends to me the right people at the perfect times when it really matters, meaning I can truly appreciate the miracle of synchronicity.  An Eeyore day isn't that big of a deal.  I slept it off and was fine the next day.  I wanted a hug that day (and thanks to Sommer, who did give me one here on FB!), but the truth is, my neediness wasn't necessary because I was okay and just pouty and whiny from lack of sleep.  Ha ha!  But the times when it is a really big deal to have some love and support come my way from feeling lost, confused, and sad, somehow...someone...finds their way to me.  And so I changed the wording of what I had been affirming to an affirmation with the wisps of the old, but bringing a whole new meaning.  It was like a game of Scrabble where you switch around the letters on your tile holder until you get the best word to place down on the board for the maximum amount of points available.  I simply changed the words around until I came to one with the highest vibration that felt wonderful and truthful.